Published: 12th July 2008 | Author: Jeremy Clarkson, The Sun

People I know who understand the dark, mythical world of “the economy” say we can forget about normal recessions.

The one galloping over the horizon right now is going to be a tropical, industrial-grade whopper.

They say the next few years are going to be hell.

Worse than anything in living memory. Genghis Khan bad.

Interestingly, however, Comrade Brown has decided that the biggest issue facing the nation right now is not the economy or the number of punctured bodies on every street corner.

No. It’s the amount of carbon dioxide in the upper atmosphere.

And so his henchmen have come up with a new wheeze. A massive increase in the number of average-speed cameras.

They are everywhere, and judging by the number of cars I see slowing down as they go past the first camera, then speeding up again, then slowing down for the second, most motorists don’t have a clue how they work. The Government calls them SPECS to make them sound friendly, like an old and wise librarian.

But they are not friendly at all because what they actually do is measure your average speed between two points. And the points can be miles apart.

This means you have to drive along, looking constantly at your speedometer and doing mental maths to work out how long you must travel at 37 if you accidentally do 43 for a yard or two.

Obviously, this is very dangerous, which means you don’t constantly look at your speedo, which means you get nabbed.

Wig

Then Stalin Brown will help himself to £60 from your bank account which he will use to pay for the flights to and from the next eco-conference in Mauritius.

And then, after you’ve given him some money three more times, a Government agent in a wig will take away your driving licence.

That makes Stalin happy because he’s got 240 of your pounds and with your car off the road, there’s a bit less carbon dioxide to worry about.

And never mind that you lose your job, which means you have no income, which means your children end up on the streets being stabbed.

Happily, there is a way round the problem. Because SPECS cameras are Government-run and funded, they don’t work very well.

You simply drive into the “zone” in one lane and, provided you emerge in another, you can go as fast as you like. The police acknowledge the flaw but urge motorists not to exploit it.

Yeah, right.

There is, however, a better way of getting round the problem.

Instead of zig-zagging down the motorway, Stalin must be removed from office. By some men with kindly voices and white coats. And then sectioned.

Seriously. I wouldn’t put him in charge of a corner shop.

He’d flush the profits from the good times down the bog, up prices to deal with the lean times and then, when the bailiffs came round to confiscate his stock, he’d sit around worrying that with nothing to sell, his shop will fill up with too much nitrogen.

He’s a mental and so long as he remains in the hot seat, terrified of gas, we stand absolutely no chance of weathering the storm that lies ahead.

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